There are some things I would like to get off my chest,
mainly things that are pretty personal to me. For years I would smile and
pretend things are okay. I mean things should be ok but they aren’t. I feel
like things could be better but I’m not sure if it’s because I’m scared that I
don’t want to move on from how things are. I look around at all my friends and
see them happy, in love, married, having kids, doing everything that I want but
I won’t allow myself to have. I feel like the world is too big for me to live
the way I’ve been living. So I need a change in my life big time.
Now the only time I feel really happy is when I’m
podcasting. I get to just talk to people I would never think to talk to, people
who are really interesting and who have good hearts. Just the other day I was
doing a show with one of my close friends and she said that my heart is good.
Most times I feel like an asshole though because I know I could do more for my
family and yet I won’t let myself. I’m my own worst enemy I feel sometimes, you
know what I mean?
At this point in my life I just wanted to be in love and
have family. Instead I’m stuck at home with no job, I’m fat, and I’m lazy. No
woman would even look at me twice looking the way I look and I don’t blame
them. Who would want to be with a loser like me? I mean I bring nothing to the
table to really. I don’t know maybe my fate is to be alone. Now I know you say,
“But Korey everyone has somebody for them”, but let me ask you this, who told
you that there is somebody for everyone? I mean have they really met everyone
in this world? I don’t think so. And if by chance I do find this girl who falls
for me, will I ever be enough for her? Will she be enough for me? I guess I won’t
know until I find out right?
My friends are the people who make me happy to be alive but
sometime I feel like they try to keep me out of the loop. I don’t know why I
feel that way but it’s how I always felt. Growing up it was rare that I had
people who liked me for who I was or am. In my mind though, I always thought to
myself, ‘Why would these people like me?’ or ‘What can I do to not screw this
up?’ My mind when it comes to friends is very… crazy I guess? I don’t know. I
just look at their lives and say; I wanna be like them and do what they do.
I don’t think I can write anymore right now because my head
hurts with too many questions. I just want to be normal and feel belonged in
this world but does that make me human to feel that feeling? Do I even want to
be human? I couldn’t tell you. I will tell you this before I leave to go have
Christmas with my family; all of what you see on me is a mask. I’m really
screaming out loud for help and attention, just waiting to be noticed by
someone in this fucking world. I’m Korey Epps and I wish I was better. I’m sorry for those who read this and are
scared of me now. Sorry.
Korey
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